Uncomfortably Numb

You know that feeling when you have been in an awesome relationship for a very long time, but for whatever reason it ends and your world comes crashing down around you? When a relationship like that ends, there’s this feeling that you will never love again. You don’t even want to look at another potential mate. You go emotionally numb.

Now don’t get nervous – Scott and I are great and more in love than ever. No, I’m talking about my church relationship. Today is “Get Back in Church Day”, and yet I sit here, spiritually numb, pouring my heart out to the blogosphere while my husband and kids are trying out a new church that I was so excited about but couldn’t bring myself to go to today. Why? Because it’s not Hope Chapel. Because Hope is where my heart is, and I just don’t feel ready to move on.

It really does feel like a relationship that ended. It was not on bad terms, in fact there was so much love and positive prayer when we left that I almost drove back to the house in Surprise and unloaded the truck. I just had to get out of Arizona and back to Florida, and despite my best efforts at convincing them, the church could not go with me.

Now before you start worrying that our Arizona church had some cultish hold on me that I need psychological help to overcome, I really just mean that I had so much love invested there that it is difficult to make myself vulnerable today. What if the new church is boring? What if the people are weird (-er? Lol)? What if the Holy Spirit is not there? Or what if it’s everything I hoped it would be and I just love it? That might be the worst option of all because it shouldn’t be that easy to just go from one love to the next.

Here’s what I know right now: finding a home church is an extremely big deal and not one to be taken lightly. All churches are definitely not built the same, and like relationships can be beneficial or harmful if it is not the right fit. Scott and the kids will come home with a report from at least 3 different viewpoints. Depending on their opinions, either I will go to this church next week with great anticipation or I will start looking for another one. The Lord is in this, and He will guide us. I have been through enough relationships to realize that real love is something you never forget and will always be a part of who you are. I’ve also experienced enough to realize that emotions are fleeting, especially the negative ones, and that I will find love again.

In His perfect time, as always.